Trust Us
by Meesh
Summary: Loryna Hawke and Anders had been dancing around a relationship for years, but after a close encounter with some templars, she finally puts her foot down and confronts Anders about their feelings for one another.


The distinct smell of Darktown and poultices mingling found its way to Loryna's nose, making her gag as she opened the door. Anders' clinic really did stink. Teal eyes swept around the clinic in the setting sunlight, searching for the renegade mage. He didn't seem to be home…

Her eyes widened as they settled on a crumpled form in the corner. She quickly shut the door behind her, running over to the feather-covered figure.

Did the Templars…?

A soft snore greeted her ears as Loryna reached Anders. Palpable relief washed over her in a cold wave: he was just sleeping in an inconspicuous corner. The Templars were getting bolder by the day, and every single time she came down to visit him, she feared it would be too late. Only the goodwill of the people of Darktown, and Varric's connections, were keeping him safe at this point.

She hadn't needed to pull any strings yet, but regardless of how uneasy the two of them had become again after their latest awkward night, she'd still go through hell and high water to protect him if it came down to it. Over the past few years, the two mages had gone back and forth between barely being able to speak without ending up in bed together and barely being able to speak to one another, period.

To say their "relationship" was complicated would be a drastic understatement. Aveline had taken her to task about continuing to communicate with him, given her noble ties and wealth, but Loryna just couldn't help herself. She loved him, everything else be damned.

Her brow furrowed as she noted a few new creases on his forehead. Even in the serene state of sleep he seemed to be worried. She stooped down and brushed a lock of hair away from his face, tucking it behind his ear.

She'd seen him wake in a rush more than once while they were in the Deep Roads, but she had never seen him wake up on his own time. Something about the process of how he woke up fascinated her: his right eye twitched, then his mouth. His whole body shifted lazily and he let out a small sigh before his eyes slowly slid open. They focused on her almost immediately, his voice still deep with sleep.

"…Loryna?"

Breath caught in her chest. All her mind could fixate on was how good her name looked and sounded on his lips. Her eyes drifted up to his, locking when they met. Before she knew what was happening, his face was moving closer – or was hers moving toward his?

Just before their lips touched, he blinked and turned his face aside. Anders cleared his throat and his voice somewhat balanced itself out. "What are you doing here?"

Her heart dropped as the moment shattered and she was suddenly facing a cheek. Holding back a sigh, she sat in front of him. Might as well just tell him the truth. "I wanted to talk about…last month. And I came to check on you. To make sure you're alright."

"I…appreciate the thought, but I'm fine. Always am, as you see. As fine as I can be, anyway." He gently held his arms up for her inspection. She obliged, as per their usual conversation pattern.

He looked thin. Not quite emaciated, but much closer than she was comfortable admitting to herself. Was he eating? Did he not have enough food here? His eyes were sunken, and the mage was clearly drained of most of his energy. Was he sleeping? She frowned as her eyes fell upon a bandage on his hand. Was that a burn underneath?

She quietly admitted, "You look about the same as you always do."

"That bad, huh?"

Anders had meant to crack a joke, but just ended up sounding defeated. It broke her heart. Loryna couldn't quite stop the chide that crept into her tone. "Don't make fun, Anders. I'm worried about you."

He tried to put on bravado, but he never was a good actor. "Oh, don't worry about me. I'm a grown man, and can take care of my–"

The both of them were interrupted by heavy knocking on the clinic's door. Metal knocking.

It sounded like a gauntlet.

Loryna immediately jumped to her feet, warily eyeing the door from across the room. Anders quickly followed suit and attempted to move toward the door, but was held back by Loryna's arm.

She turned to whisper, barely a thread of sound falling from her lips. "Do you think it's Templars?"

Before Anders could answer, a man's voice yelled through the door.

"Open up, in Andraste's name!"

Both mages stared at each other, half-panicked.

Anders quickly ran toward the back of the room, dragging her along by the arm. A small crack in the wall suddenly became a lot larger, and she instantly understood: Anders had been hiding in the walls – literally – whenever the Templars did their checks of Darktown. She breathed some incantations under her breath and waved her ring, helping him make the crack large enough for them both.

The two mages squeezed into the opening, holding their breath as their hands waved to seal the rock behind them. They left a small crack in the top and at the bottom for air flow, and then…waited.

Waiting was by far the worst. Loryna pushed her cheek against his chest as Anders carefully nudged his arms around her, holding her close. Both of them breathed as quietly as they could.

Almost a full minute later, they heard the clinic door slam open, followed by clunky footsteps.

"Is there anyone here?"

A second voice, a woman's, sounded confused. "What is this place?"

"I have no idea." The scraping of wood against wood punctuated the air. "Looks like some sort of apothecary or healer."

"Why would someone report a healer to us?"

The first voice moved closer, probably inspecting the bandages nearby. "That is a very good question. If this healer _is _a mage, why would a refugee report him? Look around, see if you can find anything a mage would need."

Loryna's fingers tightened on Anders' tunic as her heart sank. Someone had reported him. He was no longer safe. She felt his cheek rest against her forehead. This was very bad.

Papers rustled. "You think Keran did something wrong? Cullen's been watching him closely lately."

"I'm not here to gossip, recruit." Wood heavily scraped along the floor.

"…Aye, ser."

Every minute felt like an eternity as they listened to the two Templars rustle through the clinic.

"I don't see anything, ser. There's absolutely nothing here, not even the more common reagents. Just bandages, poultices, and leeches." Exasperation was clear in the young woman's voice.

"Agreed; this was a waste of time. Let's get back and report to Cullen."

"Maker, it _stinks_ down here."

Warmth blew across her ear, down her shoulder, as Anders whispered. "We should wait a few minutes; make sure they don't come back." She silently nodded in response, knowing he'd feel it against his chest.

As they waited, Loryna couldn't stop worrying about what this meant. If someone reported him, the Templars would be on the lookout. It was likely they would check back periodically, to see if they could catch any mages unawares. This clinic was no longer safe. Anders was no longer safe here. She had to do something!

The only thing she could think of was to convince him to stay with her. The Templars had their suspicions about her, but they didn't dare risk demanding to investigate a noble's house – especially not the former Amell estate. Her mother had done well in repairing relations with the other nobles, and the Hawkes were well-entrenched in noble politics at this point. It would be the perfect place for Anders to hide.

Plus then she could feed him proper food. Loryna could feel how skinny he was as he held her against him.

Anders rapped his fingers against the rock, and then waited silently. What was he…? Oh, he was checking to see if they were really gone.

After a few moments of silence, he then began to shape the rock away from them. She pressed her palm against the wall and helped to reform the crack once again.

It was dark now, and the two stumbled out into dusky light. They had managed to miss the sunset while hiding out from the Templars. Her first instinct was to light a candle, but the fear of Templars returning was still too raw. Loryna instead waited until Anders had fixed the wall to his liking, and then threw her arms around him.

"Anders… That was… Does that happen often?"

His silence told her all she needed to know.

"You can't stay here anymore."

He sighed and extricated himself from her hold, turning to rearrange some bandages that had fallen out of a box during the visit. "Yes, I can. And I will. These people need me."

"It's not safe here!" She paused, a frustrated sigh welling up and out of her when he didn't respond again. "Anders." Loryna pushed herself in front of him, forcing him to stop sorting and look at her. "Please, listen to me."

"I… No, I need to stay here, Loryna." Anders put his hands on her shoulders. "Please understand."

Loryna stared, desperation leaking into her voice. "Don't you understand, Anders? _I _need you."

The all-too-familiar look began to glaze over his eyes; he always gave her this look when she tried to convince him to stop beating around the bush.

"No, you don't. Please don't go there. If there's one thing you _don't_ need in your life, it's me." He turned and moved toward the door. "You should get home before it gets too late."

They had done this dance what seemed like a thousand times. She would try to talk about their trysts, he would brush it off as "for her own good," she'd yell at him, he'd yell at her, and then she would inevitably head home. Loryna was absolutely sick of this game. She knew he felt the same way about her that she did about him; they'd managed ending up making love more often than not before parting ways after their fights, and it was clear as day that the two of them were good together.

"No."

"Loryna, please…" Blonde hair fell from behind his ear as his head drooped. "You know about me and Justice. You know who… You know _what _I am. A few years ago, maybe we could have had something. But I'm not that man anymore." He sighed, clenching his hands. "I'd end up breaking your heart. I'm sorry."

"Anders…" She walked over to stand in front of him, reaching to lift his chin and brush the hair out of his face. As their eyes met, her stomach immediately twisted into a huge knot. She knew what she had to do, had to say. She could feel it on her tongue, just waiting to finally be spoken.

"I love you."

The gravity of those words lingered between them, eyes locked. It was all she could do to remember to just _breathe._ She was sure he could hear her heart thudding in her chest. Someone took a ragged breath, and it took Loryna a moment to realize that it was her.

"…But…" She willed herself to keep speaking through stiff lips, unable to tear herself away from his gaze. "I will go and not come back if…if you can do one thing for me."

He softly frowned when she said that she would go, but the expression quickly turned to apprehension when she requested something from him. It took Anders a few moments to force the word out of his mouth. "W-…what?"

"Look me in the eye, and… And tell me you don't love me."

The blood drained from his face, and he looked away with the single broken note of a chuckle. "This is… That's not fair, Loryna."

Perhaps that was too much to ask of him, but Loryna knew they were beyond the point of no return. Getting over each other, for good, would be less painful than constantly going back and forth. The tension between the two of them typically felt as if it was enough to set the air itself on fire, and not acknowledging it was making things even worse. This was going to send both of them to an early grave if they didn't resolve it.

She reached to gently cup his cheek as her other hand found its way to press against his chest, near his heart. A soft and sad smile curved her lips. The smile turned even sadder when their eyes reconnected. "It's not fair to me, either, Anders. If you have to… If you have to break my heart, do it now. It'll take me a long time to get over it, and it'll hurt, but…I'll find a way to. But if you do love me, why do we have to keep going around and around like this?"

Anders placed his hands over hers, pulling to hold both hands between his own. "It would be a disaster."

"Who cares?" It was the most he had ever come to not completely shutting her out, and Loryna was despondent at this point, tears beginning to blur her vision.

"I couldn't give you a normal life. If you were with me, we'd be hunted. Hated. You and your mother are safe, and Carver's alive; I couldn't do that to you. I…"

He paused, cutting himself short. Brown eyes closed as Anders leaned forward to press his forehead against hers. The words washed over her face, barely a whisper.

"…I love you too much to do that to you."

Something as beautiful and as freeing as Anders finally confessing his love should have filled her with joy, but Loryna wanted nothing more than to cry. Here they were, both wanting so badly to be with one another, yet more miserable than ever.

Tears fell from eyelashes as her lids slid shut. Loryna tilted her head so that their noses were aligned, taking a haggard breath. "And this is any better? Anders, if you love me, trust me." She snaked her arms around him, holding him close. "Trust us."

Anders' arms moved around her, reciprocating. "When I was in the Circle, love was only a game. It gave the Templars too much power if there was something you couldn't stand to lose, and…" Fingers lightly dug into her back. "It would kill me if I lost you."

"We're not in the Circle, Anders." She softly pulled away, hands finding their way to cradle his face, fingers brushing his temples. "And you're not going to lose me. I promise."

Wariness clouded his eyes when she responded so quickly. "Don't make promises you can't keep."

A small chuckle bubbled up out of her throat. "Fair enough." She paused to give him a reassuring smile, teal eyes shining. "I can promise this: no matter what happens, we'll be able to figure it out. Together."

"I…" He looked away, his face twisted by the haunted expression when he was fighting back Justice. Heartbeats passed before he had full control again. "I can't trust myself. What if he…"

Loryna inwardly grimaced as she watched him struggle. This was too much. She wanted to give the both of them some closure about the last couple of years, not…this. Her feet carried her back a step, out of his arms. Even dealing with a broken heart would be better than inflicting pain on him.

It took a few slow, deep breaths before she could gather the wherewithal to speak. "Anders."

Brown eyes met hers, quiet.

"I'll go if you want me to. I didn't mean to cause…this. To do this to you. I'm sorry. You don't even have to say anything, just…stop me or I'm going to leave, and I won't bring it up again."

The two of them stood still, eyes locked. Normally it was easy for Loryna to read Anders' expressions, but not this time. The renegade mage had a total of about four main expressions: disgust, anger, wariness, and that serene face he'd make when healing people. This face was…nervous?

He stepped to close the distance between them again, reaching for her hands. "Do you mean it?"

She blinked, confused; perhaps even a little affronted at the question. "Yes, I… Of course I meant what I said. Unless you stop me, I'll go. I don't want to force you into something."

To her surprise, in response, Anders moved to hold Loryna gently. Before she could formulate the main question on her mind, _what are you doing?,_ he pulled back far enough to kiss her forehead.

"Maker forgive me, but I can't fight this anymore. I…" Hands reached to pull at her shoulders, nudging her back so that they faced one another yet again. "Are you _absolutely _sure, Loryna? There's no telling where we might end up."

Teal eyes smiled, chapped lips following suit in their own lopsided way. "Yes. If there's one thing I'm sure of, it's this." Her hands ran along his arms, resting on top of his as he lightly held her shoulders.

His face softened, looking younger than he had since she'd met him; it gave her shivers. Anders chuckled quietly, leaning his forehead against hers. "We're both going to regret this."

"Then we'll regret it together."


End file.
